An astronaut is the first to step onto an alien planet.
The aliens are so excited that they change all their signs to English, and even rename some of their places and landmarks after Human places and landmarks and things.
The astronaut decides the first place he wants to go is a pub.
He sees a nearby alien and asks, “Where’s the pub?”
The alien gurgles back, but his suit translates to the astronaut in real time. The alien says, “Just around the corner.”
The astronaut heads around the corner and sees it.
It’s labeled “The Keyboard” and he asks the bouncer, “Why is it called the Keyboard?”
The bouncer replies, “The boss loves all things human and changed his name to reflect that. Ask him, he’s the bartender.”
So the astronaut enters the Keyboard and goes to the bartender.
“Excuse me, do you own this pub?” the astronaut says.
“I do,” the bartender gurgles back.
“Why is it called the Keyboard?” the man asks.
“Well,” the alien gurgles in reply, “since I knew you humans were coming I updated the name...”
The astronaut is on the edge of his seat.
“...The reason it’s called the Keyboard is because it’s a space bar.”
😄 😄 😄
I caught bird flu while waiting for a flight at the airport.
I have since found out it is a terminal illness.
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What are the sun’s favorite chocolate bars?
A Milky Way.
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You’re so observant, would you like me to pat you on your back?
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What do you call someone who flies a spaceship to Uranus?
An asstronaut.
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Why do lemons use sun tan lotion?
Because if they don’t they’ll peel!
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What does Alexa like to eat for breakfast?
Siri-al.
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I won my 17th straight Halloween costume contest as a hot dog.
I’m on a roll.
😄 😄 😄
My overweight boss asked me to roast him at his retirement party.
I told him that as a lifelong Muslim, I was forbidden from consuming pork.
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Why didn’t the roast chicken cross the road?
It didn’t have the guts anymore.
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A brain walks into a bar and says, “I’ll have a pint of beer please.”
The barman looks at him and says, “I’m sorry, but I can’t serve you.”
“Why not?” asks the brain.
“You’re already out of your head.”
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When Chuck Norris tells a joke about Will Smith’s wife, Will Smith slaps himself.
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Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise.
He removed the Mariah Carey Christmas CD and now it’s fine.
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An alien lands today, Nov. 4, 2020.
Alien: “Take me to your leader.”
Me: “You’re going to have to wait 10-12 business days for us to sort that out.”
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Why does Spider-Man have shaky hands?
He has Peter Parkinsons.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Cereal.”
“Cereal, who?”
“Cereal-ously ready for breakfast!”
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One night, Sally was saying goodnight to her parents and grandparents.
“Good night Mom, good night Dad, good night Grandma, goodbye Grandpa.”
Her dad asked her, “Why goodbye?”
“Oh, I dunno, I just felt like it.”
The very next day, her grandpa died.
That evening, Sally was saying goodnight again.
“Good night Mom, good night Dad, goodbye Grandma.
Her dad was very suspicious but said nothing.
The very next day, Sally’s grandma died.
That night, when Sally said “Good night Mom, goodbye Dad”, Sally’s dad began to panic. He knew this couldn’t just be a coincidence.
So early the very next day, he went to work, locked his office door, and hid under his desk until late in the afternoon.
Eventually, he decided he should probably go home, or his wife might get worried.
He managed to arrive home safely and asked his wife how her day had been.
“Oh, it was just awful!” she replied. “The Milkman died!”
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French Donuts...
...are the Beigne of my existence.
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What do you call bacon with salt on it?
Salt and Peppa.
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You know why barrel racers need to be cremated?
Because if you bury them they’ll bitch about the dirt.
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