I steal my eggs from my next door neighbor.
I prefer them poached.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Jesus.”
“Jesus, who?”
“Jesus Christ, open the door.”
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You are just like my car.
You drive me crazy.
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A child asks, “Mommy, does God use our bathroom?”
The mother replies, “No, darling. Why do you ask?”
The child says, “Because every morning daddy bangs on the door and shouts, “Oh God, are you still in there?!”
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My brother wanted a dinosaur as a gift for his birthday.
Then I told him, “They’re all extinct.”
Hearing that, he said, “No, I don’t want a stinky dinosaur.”
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Two monsters went to a party.
Suddenly one said to the other, “A lady just rolled her eyes at me. What should I do?”
“Be a gentleman and roll them back to her.”
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Your mama so short she sleeps in a mini house.
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I love my motorcycle, it’s great for getting to the front of queues quicker.
It does always terrify the other people in the post office though.
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I met my wife while we were working at the same museum.
Our first date was in the geology section, the second in paleontology, and the rest was history.
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Why did the picture go to jail?
Because it was framed.
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Yesterday I got stuck behind a young girl riding a horse. No matter what I did, I just couldn’t get past her. I was tooting my horn, and hanging out the window yelling at her. She still wouldn’t let me past.
There was a guy on a motorcycle behind me and he was waving too.
I was getting so wound up and frustrated. “It’s people like you that cause accidents!” I shouted.
Eventually, I just couldn’t take any more so I looked around to make sure the coast was clear... and then I jumped off the carousel.
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Why did the moon burp?
Because it was full!
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It’s hotter than sports day in Africa out there.
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A bar which does hip replacement operations recently opened near to me.
Critics are saying it’s the new hip place to be.
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First cannibal: “I can’t find anything to eat!”
Second cannibal: “But the jungle’s full of people.”
First cannibal: “Yes, but they’re all very unsavory.”
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Our love is a fruit salad!
We are a great pear and I cherryish you.
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Why did the Spanish Inquisition yank out people’s molars?
Because they wanted the tooth, the whole truth, so help them God.
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I’d like to thank everyone who taught me the definition of ‘many’.
It really means a lot.
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Yo Mamas teeth are so yellow I can’t believe it’s not butter.
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How do llamas wake up in the morning?
They use allama clocks.
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