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An orchestra conductor calls 911, β€œHelp! My oboe player swallowed his reed! What do I do?”

The 911 operator says, β€œSimple. Have a muted trumpet cover the part.”

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Adam meets a witch.

The witch tells him: β€œTell me I am pretty, or you will be cursed!”

Adam: β€œSorry, but I don’t find you attractive.”

Witch: β€œTake that back, or you most surely will be cursed!

Adam: β€œNope. You’re hideous.”

The witch then transformed him into an ant.

Witch: β€œLook where your rudeness brought you!”

Adam: β€œYeah, this sucks, but you still look like a moldy potato.”

Witch: β€œVery well, then. You will remain in this form until you repent and call me pretty!”

He is still adamant.

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What do you call a meal from the moon?

A satellite dish.

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Why do people ignore filled donuts?

Because they are just full of themselves.

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Sergeant: β€œI didn’t see you at camouflage training.”

Private: β€œThank you, sir!”

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Knock! Knock!

β€œWho’s there?”

β€œIce cream.”

β€œIce cream, who?”

β€œTobias some nice cold ice cream, you need some money.”

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Remember Dexter, who was going to compete in a marathon dressed as Michael Jackson?

Not sure which race yet.

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My kid has a stuffed alpaca toy.

I call it her Dolly Llama.

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Knock! Knock!

β€œWho’s there?”

β€œJuliet.”

β€œJuliet, who?”

β€œJuliet pancakes for breakfast.”

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Why was it difficult for planets to play golf?

They spotted many black holes.

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What happens after you have a beautiful girlfriend, a million-dollar car, 100 million in your bank account, several houses and a fit body?

You wake up.

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How do dogs make sandwiches?

With purebred.

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My crush told me that I’m pretty.

Well, the whole sentence was β€œYou’re pretty annoying”, but I focus only on the positive things.

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What did the birthday cake say to the ice cream?

You’re cool!

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Why do blueberries get along with everyone?

They’re naturally blue-tiful.

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No thanks, pants! I am working from home today.

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Why was Darth Vader bad at sports?

He always choked.

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Where do sailors go when they feel sick?

The dock-tor.

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How are peanut butter and jelly related?

They’re inbred.

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Why do wolves howl at the moon?

Cause they don’t know how to use cell phones.

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